I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles