I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
jesus christ confetti not now
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭