Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
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Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.