*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
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Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.