Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
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dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I think they could have phrased this better
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache