Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
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[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Merica.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.