It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
No chill.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
knights of the ikea table
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Free him
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
philosophical skeletons be like
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?