A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
smh
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.