[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[on my way back to the posting caves]
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
somebody come look at this
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??