[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
You Might Also Like
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
SF is the wild wild west man
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.