Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Investing in beetcoin
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.