[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES