Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Children of the corn 🌽
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.