I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Ok but actually
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”