*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
this chia pet tastes awful
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
🤣
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My dad.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat