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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
one last job
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.