No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.