Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Smells like a challenge to me
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.