*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
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Light as a feather, smorg as a board
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
We’ve all been there…
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK