Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿