My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
True
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.