Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.