just left a huge legacy in there
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the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.