Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
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Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out