Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
work smarter, not harder
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.