Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
New comic up. “Ransom”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
how high up are we talkin’?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone