If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions