The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals