“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.