Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
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[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.