“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
You Might Also Like
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Happy Caturday!
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.