After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
2022 will be better than 2021
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
monday
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.