Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
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Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
first you must answer his riddles
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer