*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.