Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
2 years later
I’d hang this in my house.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.