When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
These are too funny not to post 😂
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Mouse
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.