WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
philosophical skeletons be like
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar