Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.