Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
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me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above