Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Go girl power!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
☺️
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”