Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.