Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task