I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
OH. COME. ON.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Aight bet
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Breaking news:
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.