“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
mood
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.