Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
cat vs inanimate object
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*