Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
You Might Also Like
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.