Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.