Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.