Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal