A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation